the moons offering (critique)

[nightwing]

lost in the eyes of lit in nights.
the shadows rose and drowned the lights.
darkness came,
consumed the day,
the sun had gone,
nothing stayed.
i looked to the moon,
for wonders above,
for valor or truth and endless love,
the moon doth told the wish i asked,
and lent me a star,
within it a mask.
"for light of truth, valor and love,
only the wonderous stars above,
will lent you their eyes to see with care."
thou placed it on,
nothing was there.
the moon had lead thyself astray,
as the stars had gone away,
and as i stood with eyes betrayed,
alone in the dark,
i had stayed.

[littlekitty]

Well...you asked for critique, so here it goes. (Notice, this is just MY opinion and not everyone elses). The story line was great. It was sad, but expressed beautifully. HOWEVER, the word usuage had me confused a couple of times. Therefore I had to reread some of the lines again. The first two lines didn't make any sense to me at all! I knew what you were saying, but the speech was off. (I almost stopped reading it immediately). I am glad that I continued to read it though, because it turned out nice. I was surprised. Maybe a second quick draft would help. You definitely have the potential to keep the reader reading. P.S. Sometimes the writer will rush upon words thinking it will make the piece have the rhythm and rhyme they desire. Though, it doesn't always help the poem. I would love to read more. ~Sherrie

[lheverett]

I agree and disagree with kitty. Instead of explaining, I will just adjust a few things. The exact same words..just placed a bit differently. Just my view..but very effective:
____________________________________________________________-

lost in the eyes
of lit in nights.
the shadows rose
drowned the lights.

darkness came
consumed the day
the sun had gone
nothing stayed

i looked to the moon
for wonders above
for valor or truth
endless love

the moon doth told
the wish i asked
and lent me a star
within it a mask

for light of truth
valor and love
only the wonderous
stars above

will lent you their eyes
to see with care
thou placed it on
nothing was there

the moon had lead
thyself astray
as the stars
gone away

as i stood
with eyes betrayed
alone in the dark
i had stayed